A recent Canadian study confirms that changing partners doesn’t change the dynamics of new relationships. We feel different because we’re comparing impression of the new relationship to those from the end of the previous. This largely explains why subsequent relationships/marriages have significantly lower success rates on average than the 1st round.
But there is hope. In my experience as an Integrative Therapist, the common factor is early programming. The subconscious mind stores a million times as many data points as the conscious mind it’s been doing this since birth. The resulting pictures built up of the world, our place in it and appropriate responses to stimuli are primarily formed by the age of six. From that time on, the subconscious mind views everything through that set of lenses or assumptions and reacts accordingly.
We like to think our powerful logical fore-brains are in control. But the subconscious mind is estimated to be heavily involved in ninety five percent of all thoughts, perceptions and decisions. In addition, when we’re stressed, the blood flow to the fore-brain brain is reduced. Now the subconscious feels even more driven to take over to keep us safe. The best way it thinks is knows how given the early programming it’s received.
The good news is that tools such as Emotional Freedom Techniques and Picture Tapping Techniques allow us to become compassionate nurturing mentors to our formative selves. When we’re young, it’s very easy for the subconscious mind to draw conclusions which seem reasonable at the time, but are not the whole story. Since every feeling is attached to a belief, we can use these remarkably effective and painless techniques to allow the conscious and subconscious minds to collaborate. Through the language of feelings, we can re-examine those beliefs in the here and now. Collaborating with the subconscious to discover what the whole story here is. We’re collaboratively rewriting the original code; not just papering it over.
New relationships don’t usually feel terribly stressful, so we have the illusion we’re in control. “This time it’s all going to be different”. Inevitably, stressors begin to creep into the new relationship and old automatic programming once again plays its assigned role.
When we haven’t done this work, it’s like we’re attached to the wall with bungee cords. The first steps feel effortless. With each step, the pull becomes stronger and stronger. Eventually we find ourselves with our backs to the wall AGAIN. Wondering why does this keep happening to us despite our determination to do things differently.
This applies of course to much more than just our relationship patterns. It’s equally true of any pattern of repeated self-sabotage or failure to thrive. There’s always a reason and we’ve always had the authority to rewrite old programs. We just haven’t been taught the tools to effectively do so; until now.
There is help. For further information, contact ECOSYS Wellness Center @ 613-747-5458 or firstname.lastname@example.org .
Yours in good mental/emotional health.